Alcohol Jokes

From an email I received recently.

Alcohol: Here's to living single, seeing double and sleeping triple!

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 1862!

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

A six pack a day keeps the shakes away!

Whiskey was invented so the Irish wouldn't rule the world.

To some it's half empty, To some it's half full. To me it's time for a beer run!

My drinking team has a soccer problem.

You know you're drunk when you fall off the floor.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. - Jack Handy

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers....

And God said, "Let there be vodka!" And He saw that it was good. Then God said, "Let there be light!" And then He said, "Whoa - too much light."

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. - Henny Youngman

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. - Frank Sinatra

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. -Dean Martin

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven... - Brian O'Rourke

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. -Catherine Zandonella

There's too much blood in my alchohol system

Remember I before E, except in Budweiser.

Beer contains Vitamin Pee.

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. - Frank Zappa

Give a man a beer, he'll waste an hour. Teach a man to brew, he'll waste a lifetime.

Ginsing - What happens on Karaoke Nite after mixing fun with Gin.

Cheers!

Keywords: alcohol jokes beer wine drinks